Ashley Madison Hack Proves Horny Women Aren’t Online Looking for Sex

The hack of the “cheat on your spouse” site AshleyMadison.com has been big in the news lately.  When the average person hears of this hack, their minds almost always go to two places:

1) “Oh wow!  Those cheaters are about to get what they deserve!  Justice!  Wait until their wives find out!”

2) “I wonder which celebrities and politicians will end up getting caught up in this whole thing.”

Unfortunately, while these are the obvious reactions — and much of the media focus — they obscure the biggest and most interesting story to come out of the situation.

AshleyMadison was a scam.

That’s right.  The men on the site were trying to be cheaters, but they were the ones being cheated.  They weren’t being cheated romantically, but rather financially.

Simply put, there were almost no women actively using AshleyMadison.

The numbers are staggering.  There were over 20 million men who checked their messages on AshleyMadison, while fewer than 1500 women did so.

Almost no women were checking their AshleyMadison messages

That’s amazing.  It means that there were 13,586 men actively using AshleyMadison for every ONE woman.  Talk about tough competition!

Needless to say, very few guys actually had an affair through AshleyMadison.  So the guys caught using it through hack are getting the worst of both worlds — the stigma (and consequences) of having an affair, while not getting to enjoy the affair itself!

How did AshleyMadison stay in business with such a staggering gender disparity?

Easy.  They loaded the site with millions of phony female accounts.  In addition, many female accounts were either fakes created by users, or “one and done” accounts created by women to examine the site (or scan for their husbands), where they logged in once and never returned. On the surface, AshleyMadison seems to have a semi-reasonable, if not still skewed gender ratio:

AshleyMadison had 5.55 million female accounts, but almost none (fewer than 1500) checked a single message received there.  So the 5.55 million female accounts were simply eye candy in order to entice male members to pay the (rather steep) fees for the site, while not actually providing any benefit at all to the members.

It was all an illusion.

This, in my opinion, is the most important part of the AshleyMadison hack story.

It demonstrates once and for all that “get laid now with women who are just as horny as you are” type sites are all a sham.  If you sign up for one of these sites and pay for their services, you are being cheated.  There are almost no women who sign up on sites explicitly to have sex with strangers.  Think perhaps it’s just AshleyMadison, because of its “married men” stigma?  Think again.  Earlier this year, AdultFriendFinder, a site for sexual and fetish hookups, was also hacked.  Again, it was found that the entire site was a “sausage fest”, and that very few real females actually used the site to find sexual partners.  It was an unfortunate threesome of horny men, bots, and other horny men pretending to be women.  Yuck.

Simply put, it isn’t that easy.  There aren’t horny women wishing they could have sex with you right now, if only they could connect with you in some way.

So what about Tinder?  Surely you’ve heard stories from friends who have hooked up with real (and sometimes very attractive) women for casual sex from Tinder.  Are those stories also falsified?

No.  Tinder is a bit different, and I’ll get to that shortly.

I used to hang out in chat rooms.  I was part of them for many years, and I got to notice that as the years moved on and the technology changed, certain basic facts didn’t.  I came to realize that there were indeed a lot of lonely, and in some cases sexually-charged women in chat rooms, but they didn’t want to see themselves that way.  That is, each of these women, no matter how easy, wanted to believe that they weren’t in the chat room simply looking for casual sex — even if they were quite willing to engage in it.

If you attempted to approach these women with overt sexual come-ons, or if you sent them explicit pictures right off the bat, you would be rejected.  They would call you a disgusting pervert, or simply just ignore you and block your account.  However, if you approached them with respect and didn’t bring up the topic of sex, they would move the topic there themselves fairly quickly!

I stumbled upon this accidentally.  I never approached women online with overt sexual come-ons because I found it to be crass and tacky.  So if I saw a woman online that I liked, I simply started a conversation about whatever topic I felt would pique their interest — something about the chat room, something they mentioned in their profile, etc.  Usually after talking for an hour (and sometimes less), they would suddenly open up and start talking sexually to me on their own.  This would happen even more often if I got their phone number and talked to them that way.  (This, of course, was back in the day when people used their phones to actually have conversations!)

At the same time, these same women who were almost throwing themselves at me after an hour of conversation were the same ones complaining about the “perverts” and “assholes” who had attempted to break the ice with penis pictures or sexual questions.

So what’s my point?

Women want some sort of emotional/mental connection — even a brief one — before feeling it’s okay to have sex.  Men are willing to have sex with anything that moves and they find physically attractive.  That’s why women don’t sign up for sites like AshleyMadison or AdultFriendFinder, aside from a few outliers.  Signing up for sites like that is essentially an admission that you are looking for casual sex with complete strangers, and even lonely, sex-starved women aren’t really on board for making that admission to themselves.

So let’s go back to Tinder.

On the surface, Tinder seems to be a tool to have sex with strangers.  You see a picture of a potential mate, and a very brief profile attached to it.  You swipe right on your phone if you’re interested, and left if you don’t like them and want to pass.  If both people swipe right, you are matched.  So isn’t that the same as something like AdultFriendFinder or AshleyMadison?

No.  Surprisingly, women using Tinder don’t necessarily believe they are using a sex tool.  They think they are using a dating tool.  So while the men believe (often accurately) that a mutual-swipe-right will get them laid tonight, women believe that they have simply scored a date with a man they find attractive.  So Tinder is actually a dating app, not a sex app, even if men see it much more as a sex app and utilize it that way.  (It is said that many men simply swipe right for ALL women, and then simply go down the list of matches from most attractive to least attractive, attempt to establish a date, and move on the the next one if unsuccessful.)

That’s the reason Tinder works.  It masquerades as something it’s not.  While casual sex sites almost never interest women, dating sites/apps very much do, and in fact now are the leading way that romantic relationships begin in the United States.

That’s not to say that all women want long term relationships.  Some do, some don’t.  Either way, almost none of them want to feel easy or slutty.  They don’t want to feel like objects being used.  Tinder makes them feel as if they are simply establishing a regular date with someone they find physically attractive, then assessing the situation from there and seeing if there’s a connection.  That satisfies their need to “connect first” prior to agreeing to have sex, which is why you hear about so many successful (at least in the short term) Tinder hookups.

Tinder, of course, isn’t for everyone.  It heavily favors the guys who are good looking, while greatly handicapping the average looking and ugly guys, as they have much less of a chance to show off their other attributes, such as intellect, common interests, or sense of humor (as they would in a chat room or dating site).

What’s the lesson here?  If you are a guy who wants to get laid online, you need to forget about the “have sex tonight” type sites, and take the indirect approach.

The women online who would be willing to have sex with you are out there.  You just can’t approach them like you know they are.

 

Freerolling life

Having just completed my 11th WSOP, I was thinking about one event in particular — the “$1500 DraftKings 50/50 NL Holdem” event, where I placed 40th out of 1123 entrants.

It was a strange event in several ways.

Strange item #1:  Half the field got paid something.   In most tournaments, only the top 10% of finishers get paid, while the other 90% go home empty handed.  In this tournament, the top 10% profit, but the top 50% get a minimum of 2/3 of their buyin back.  I have mixed feelings about this format, but that’s another discussion for another time.

Strange item #2:  The eventual bracelet winner almost busted out against me on Day One.  Brandon Wittmeyer, who met me 9 years ago through a mutual friend (but had barely seen me since), held KK on the river on a jack-high board, and was facing an all-in bet from me.  Had he called, he would have busted, as I had more chips than he did.  Many players would have called off here, and Wittmeyer was  VERY close to doing so, taking about 5 minutes to think about it.  Eventually, he reasoned out loud that his memory of me in 2006 told him that I was likely to have a very strong hand in this spot, and he laid it down.  He was right, as I had a set of 4s, and this fold was the ultimately difference between him min-cashing and winning $200,000 plus the bracelet for the event.

Strange item #3:  At one point in mid-late in day 1, the top two chip leaders in the event were the co-hosts of the same internet radio show.  And not just any internet radio show — but MY internet radio show, PokerFraudAlert Radio.   I was #2 in chips with 70k (starting from 7500), and beloved co-host Brandon Gerson had the top spot at 74,500.

 

todd-brandon-top

 

Strange Item #4:  I was all-in in three major spots during the event.  In all three, the huge underdog hand won.  The first two went my way.  I was all-in with 44 on a 8267 board against 88, and needed a 5 on the river to stay alive.  That gave me just a 9.09% chance to survive, and there came the 5 on the river!  Not too long after that, I was again short stacked, and got it all in with AJ versus AK and KK preflop — giving me just a paltry 8.78% chance of survival.  Amazingly, a jack flopped and another jack hit the turn, and I nearly tripled up.  Unfortunately, the huge favorite hand fared just as poorly when I held it.  In a huge pot all-in where I held AK and my opponent held KQ on a K234 board, he needed a queen to win , so I held a 93.18% chance of winning.  You know what happened.  Queen on the river, and I was down to almost no chips.  These were the only three major spots where I was all-in for significant chips and got called.  What was the chance of all three going to the underdog, as they did?  1 in 1838.  Wow.

Many expected me to be frustrated with that river queen, which if it hadn’t come, would have left me 50% above average chips with just 40 left in the event.  This was my chance to finally win a NL bracelet, and to make my first NL WSOP final table since 2006, and that horrible beat robbed me of it.

And yes, I was quietly frustrated, but at the same time, I was accepting of it.  I said out loud that I put down two very lucky beats of my own to get there, so I can’t complain too much when the reverse happens to me.  I wasn’t just saying that to sound like a good sport.  That’s how I really felt.

I felt that way because, in between the fortunate all-in survivals and the brutal eventual beat, I realized that I was already freerolling the event.  I should have been out — TWICE — but here I was with slightly below average chips with just 40 people remaining.  I thought about a story I was once told about a much more serious matter than poker….

 

The date was August, 1971.  A frantic young woman was at an emergency appointment at her OB-GYN’s office.  Still childless, she was on her second pregnancy.  The first ended in miscarriage a year earlier.  Now pregnant once again, the exact same miscarriage symptoms were presenting themselves at the nearly the exact same point in the pregnancy when she lost the first baby.

There was massive blood loss.  She knew that her chances of this baby’s survival were looking bad, but she didn’t realize quite how grim they were.

The doctor told her that the baby was still alive, but probably not for much longer.

“With the amount of blood you lost, and with the fact that you lost one just like this a year ago, unfortunately this one will very likely go the same way,” he explained.  “There’s about a 95% chance that this pregnancy won’t run to completion.  In fact, if you lose any more blood, the baby can’t survive.  It’s very surprising that the baby is even still alive after the amount of blood that was lost.”

Somehow the bleeding stopped.  Nor was there bleeding again at any point in the pregnancy.  Everything proceeded normally.  It is unclear what reversed the process of the almost certain miscarriage.  There was some fear that this incident severely damaged the unborn child, but he was born in early 1972, full term and completely healthy.

 

That child is still alive today, and hit the “river 2-outer” — a 5% chance — not for his tournament life, but for his actual life.  This child’s entire life is basically a freeroll.  According to the odds, he shouldn’t have even made it to birth.

I remembered that story as I sat with my chips, ready to take whatever bad beats might — and did — face me for the rest of Event #55.

I understood how lucky I was to even be there in the first place.  The child from the almost-miscarriage story sees it the exact same way.

And why shouldn’t we?  After all, we’re the same person.

Let the Free Market Decide Donald Sterling’s Fate

If you’ve never said anything in private that you’d be ashamed to say in public, you can stop reading this.  You won’t be able to relate to this blog, and in fact you should be commended for your amazing consistency.

You’re still here?  Okay, good.  Now it’s time to face a few ugly realities about the Donald Sterling situation and the hoopla surrounding it.

 

The Incident

On the surface, it seems obvious.  Donald Sterling made several clearly racist statements in a conversation with his then-girlfriend, V. Stiviano.  Ms. Stiviano made a recording of that conversation available to TMZ, who then published it for the world to hear.  Specifically, Sterling lectured Stiviano that he didn’t want her being seen in public with black people, including Magic Johnson.  This would have been alarming when coming from anyone in public eye, but Donald Sterling is the owner of the Los Angeles Clippers.  The Clippers are one of 30 NBA teams — a sport where about 75 percent of the players are black.  This made it especially outrageous and newsworthy.

 

The Reaction

NBA players from around the league, including superstars LeBron James and Kobe Bryant, made their feelings known that Sterling should not be allowed to own the Clippers anymore.  At first glance, this makes sense.  Basketball is a huge part of American black culture, and the NBA is comprised mostly of black players.  How could the NBA continue to allow a clear racist like Sterling to own a team?  The knee-jerk reaction most people have is to agree with LeBron, Kobe, and the others — to force Sterling to sell and send him packing.

 

The Precedent

After all, there is somewhat of a precedent here, right?  In 1999, under three years of pressure from Major League Baseball, infamous racist owner Marge Schott sold the Cincinnati Reds.  This was after being banned thrice from baseball over the past two years, over various racist and anti-Semitic public statements.

If MLB could force out Schott for racism in 1999, why shouldn’t the NBA do the same in 2014, especially given that our society has progressed further in those 15 years in the fight against racism and other social injustices?

 

The Difference

There’s one very big reason why Sterling should be treated differently than Schott:

His comments were made in private, in his own home, and supposed to only be heard by his then-girlfriend.

By contrast, Schott’s comments were either public  (as part of interviews) or made in the workplace (where comments overheard and reported become fair game for the public to scrutinize).

There’s a HUGE difference between the two.

But why?  Isn’t racism in private the same as racism in public?  Why should a racist get a pass just because he keeps his feelings behind closed doors?

Because of exactly that reason — Sterling kept his feelings behind closed doors.  Regardless of how ignorant or offensive, everyone should have the right to private conversations in their own homes.  The NBA should not be punishing Sterling for something he said in his own house to his girlfriend, no matter how offensive or off-putting.

Thanks to V. Stiviano’s unauthorized recordings, we know Sterling is a racist.  Great.

What about the other 29 NBA owners?  What do we know about their private statements and feelings?  Do you really believe that all 29 other NBA owners have never uttered a racist, sexist, or homophobic statement when only surrounded by friends or family?  We will never know, because we do not have access to unauthorized and illegal recordings made in their homes.  They all get a pass not because they’re necessarily innocent, but because nobody committed the crime of illegally recording their private conversations.

Illegally?  Yes.  This took place in the state of California, where it is currently illegal to record conversations without all parties’ knowledge and consent.   This includes both telephone conversations and in-person conversations, the latter of which occured with Sterling and V. Stiviano.

 

Grading On Different Standards for the Same Class

When I was in college, I went to look at my grade in a certain course, and noticed it was lower than I expected.  According to my calculations, I should have gotten an A-, but instead I had a B+.  Upon looking at the chart (listed by student ID #), I saw that one of my homework assignments had incorrectly been recorded as zero.

I visited the professor, who had already submitted the grades for processing, and showed him my graded homework (which had received full credit).  He acknowledged that the homework’s grade looked authentic and that this was likely just a recording mistake.  He affably promised to correct it.

I got a disturbing e-mail from him the next day.  “You were correct that your homework was incorrectly reported as zero, and I have given you credit.  However, as the homework was stapled to a test you had taken at the time, I decided to take a look at the test, and found you had been given too much partial credit for certain answers that were not completely right.  Therefore, that negates the homework misrecording, and your overall grade remains the same.”

I was furious.  The test had nothing to do with this.  It was only stapled to the homework because the two were graded at the same time, and the grader (someone other than the professor) stapled them together for everyone.  I did not detach them because I wanted to leave everything in the exact state they had been when given to me, so as to prove my homework grade’s authenticity.  Why was he regrading my test?  I determined that he was just lazy, and didn’t feel like filling out the tedious grade change form.

I visited his office and said that this was completely unfair.  Since he didn’t grade these tests himself, he changed a different person’s interpretation of what partial credit I should have received.  This means that everyone else in the class got this more generous partial credit, because he was unable to re-grade theirs.

I told him this would only be fair if he could re-grade all other tests in the class, which was impossible because the term had ended and many students were long gone (or had disposed of the test).  Absent of that, he had to let my test grade stand.  Otherwise, I was being graded on a different standard than everyone else.

Knowing I had an unrefutable point, the professor then stammered, “Well, umm… how do I know that homework was really graded and not just turned in by you now?  Uhh… I think I have to do an investigation on that…”

I told him that he had 24 hours to change my grade before I file an official grievance against him and go to the school paper about it.  A few hours later, he called me and stated that he had changed my grade as requested.  Surprisingly, he said to me, “I admit there might have been some other reasons I  went and regraded that test.”

 

So Why Did You Just Tell Us That Long, Boring Story?

That story of my shady college professor from the early ’90s probably seemed like an out-of-place non-sequitur, but it actually applies very much to the Sterling situation.

The media (and maybe the NBA) is grading Sterling on his in-home, private conversations.  We don’t get to grade the other 29 NBA owners the same way, because nobody stole their private conversations.  Therefore, he is being judged by an unfair standard.  He should not be removed from his NBA ownership because of an illegally-obtained private conversation, unless we are also going to illegally obtain private conversations from all other NBA owners and judge them based upon it.

Now, there are exceptions to the above.  If V. Stiviano recorded him confessing to a crime, such as molesting young boys, then that would be a different story.  In that case, we would have an admission of horrific criminal behavior (even if it couldn’t be used in a court of law), rather than just evidence of him being a racist jerk.

The law in California is in place for a reason.  It is to give citizens the protection of free speech in their own private homes, without having to worry who was secretly recording them for blackmail or revenge at a later date.

For some reason, V. Stiviano has not been arrested or charged with breaking this law, despite the fact that she broke the very spirit of it.

 

Donald Sterling Isn’t a Good Man

Please don’t take this blog as a defense of Donald Sterling.

I believe he is a racist.

I believe he is a scumbag.  There are other stories about him from over the years that don’t exactly paint him in a good light.

He was only in this position to be recorded by his girlfriend because he was cheating on his wife.  This has been surprisingly overlooked, but “old, rich white guy cheating on his wife with a girl 50 years his junior” is often the evidence of a selfish, cold, narcissistic personality.

He was also a terrible basketball owner for many, many years before the Blake Griffin/Chris Paul era.   He intentionally ran a cheap (and bad) team out there year after year, knowing people would still come to the games and he’d make a healthier profit than if he fielded a contender.  For that alone, he should have been forced out of ownership many years ago.

But an illegally obtained private conversation where he did not admit to any crime should never be a reason to remove an NBA owner.  It sets a terrible precedent.  The NBA would basically be rewarding V. Stiviano’s vengeful, illegal behavior.

 

Is V. Stiviano a Hero?

Some might believe that Stiviano, who is half-black herself, is a modern civil rights hero.  Knowing that her boyfriend was a behind-the-scenes racist despite owning a team in the mostly-black NBA, she took matters into her own hands and opened everyone’s eyes to the true man behind the curtain.

Except that’s not really what happened.

V. Stiviano is a notorious gold digger, with a reputation for going after super-rich, elderly men.

Listen to the conversation below, and you will hear stilted, rehearsed speech on Stiviano’s part, meant to induce Sterling into making his stupid comments.

Make no mistake, Sterling is indeed a racist and meant everything he said.  But Stiviano wasn’t recording a conversation that just happened to be taking place.  She clearly set this whole thing up, as an act of revenge against Sterling, whom she felt wasn’t doing enough to stop a lawsuit by his estranged wife against her, involving gifts he had given.  Stiviano knew she was probably on her way off the gravy train very soon, and needed some ammunition in case Sterling didn’t cooperate in letting her keep her millions of dollars in sleazily-obtained riches.

This was an angry gold-digger’s carefully-crafted revenge plot, not a freedom fighter for people of color.

 

Should Sterling Get Off Scot-Free?

Donald Sterling shouldn’t be forced out as an NBA owner, but he will suffer in plenty of ways.

His legacy will always be tainted. People will never look at him the same again.

He has already lost 12 sponsors for the Clippers, and new ones are unlikely to come aboard as long as Sterling is the owner.

He will have a hard time signing future players to the Clippers.  Existing players will run for the hills as soon as their contracts are over.

Fans will stop attending games, for as long as he is the owner.

Sterling will suffer immensely for this, both personally and financially.  It is my guess that, if the NBA doesn’t force him out, Sterling will decide himself to sell, seeing this an unwinnable situation that is unlikely to ever change.

And I’m totally fine with that.  He can’t take back what he said.  People can’t un-hear what V. Stiviano released, even if she obtained it through sleazy and illegal means.  Fans, players, and sponsors have a right to not want to support a racist.

Let the free market take care of Sterling.  Don’t support intrusive actions that establish a precedent that punish a man for opinions expressed in his own private home.

Still don’t agree?  Let me know when I can plant a bug in your home and publish the juiciest stuff you say.